My friend Becca just recently got kicked in the ass by God, I feel like today He kicked me in the balls. My day opened with a 2 and 1/2 hour call to my girl beginning around 7 AM. I had no intentions of stirring up any mud about her educational situation, but I had been up since 4:30 laying in bed thinking about how next year will work out. I had been thinking through staying at Gordon-Conwell next year and doing a Th.M. We could live in the apartment I live in currently so we wouldn’t need to find a place to stay, and it would open more opportunities for study. I’d already have a job and there is a Discovery Channel store locally she could transfer to. One hang-up is that this would delay her degree completion for about a year. God knows I thought about how to prevent that in this scheme. So, I wake her up, and begin to explain what I’ve been thinking as a possible option for next year. I could feel her stomach turn as I began. She feels that this plan would add to the probability that she would never get her degree. And thus I hit The Wall, and the shit hit the fan. Why the hell do I get into these conversations? Can I just relax and let things work out? No, I’ve got to go and throw another brick on the wall. I feel that my life is putting an end to hers. I wonder if she is either not cut out to be married, or just is not ready to get married. I can’t understand why she has to define herself by archaeology (although she would not admit that) and the culture around it. Why must she measure her own worth by the field? “The worth and excellency of a soul is to be measured by the object of its love” (Henry Scougal). Why can’t she see the glory of marriage and the honor of motherhood? Honestly, I don’t care if I am a gas station attendant, but I’ll be damned if I take likely fathering children and tending to the home. I can’t wait to be a father, to stare into the eyes of my own flesh and see the soul that God created through me and my wife, to gaze for hours at them when they sleep and study every crevice of their face, to play with them for hours and try like hell to make them laugh, to hear them begin to talk in their own gibberish and try to decipher what they are saying, to teach them how to talk and teach them how to reason, to show them God and share the story of redemption, and to be their friend and mentor, treating them with grace and love. And I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her; how much I want to see her every moment of the day; how much I want to hold her and know everything about her; how much care and kindess that God has been storing up in my heart for my most beloved person; how much I would forfeit for her-my books, my shelter, my clothing, my learning, my sanity, my senses, my organs, my soul and salvation; how much I never want to see her hurt or suffer; or how much I will give up my personal identity to be one with her. Every time we talk about this, it makes me re-evalute whether God wants her with me or not. Sometimes I convince myself that she will never want to give up her life for me the what I will for her; joyfully, willingly, savoring our union. She doesn’t understand that I will leave all my friends, burn my degrees, leave my family, my church to be with her. Sometimes I think that the world has convinced her that she will never be significant unless she establishes herself and there is nothing I can do about it. Why is her soul coiled around this dream she has always had? Has God given it to her? Is this her calling? Is she in love with the idea of marrying me, loving me, or does she love me? I can’t stand the thought of her putting up with evangelical notions she does not understand or agree with. I can’t believe she passed right over the biblical/theological foundations for complementarianism to get to all the “pertinent” stuff in RBMW. She hates the idea of being a standard evangelical wife, as though they are brainless and insignificant. I just can’t believe sometime this is all coming from someone homeschooled (and wanting to homeschool mind you) and has the typical TV show mom who happens to the most significant female in her life. It’s just plain weird. And she wears a head covering to church. What? God help her understand when she reads this, I’m being raw and open. This is the sleeve on which I am wearing my heart that beats for her.
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5 comments so far
Keep in mind this is coming from an “egalitarian”, but helping one another actualize one anothers dreams is one of the more loving and beautiful things you can do for one another.
Remember the end goal, is not your marriage, is not your children, and is not your theology. The end goal is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. The way you’ve spoken of her, she sounds like she has more to offer our society than solely being a housewife.
Help her persevere to the end. Help her know her part to play as a member of the church in a broken society. Help her actualize her dreams.
Sometimes actualizing our theology can be little more than a shit stain in the eye of a broken society, who desperately needs the church to exemplify a redemptive hope.
Thanks James. We actually had a great talk last night. One thing we talked about is the fact that we were past this “thing”. And you know what, we really are. You are exactly right, she has an immense contribution to give our society. I never said, and I meant not to imply that I expect her to give up her life’s dreams. I just expect her to be willing to, just as I am willing to give up my life’s ambitions for her. Does that mean I’m not going to do Ph.D. work and go into teaching or pastoral ministy, of course not. Do I want her to give up getting a degree in archaeology or dismiss archaeology from her life, of course not. That’s part of our dialogue we’ve been having all along; I’m just as committed to her getting her degree as she is. Even if she lost the desire, I would try like hell to have her reconsider and go for it. I tried to preface what I said in the blog by saying, “sometimes I think…” in order to communicate that this is not the overwhelming way I feel. She and I are on the same page. We really are. Some of her fears and concerns go for anyone getting married, whether complimentarian or egalitarian, christian or non-christian. In her blog she says she’s worried about decorating, cooking, etc. I’m just trying to communicate to her that we should define ourselves by what we do occupationally (morally questionable occupations aside). Not to say there aren’t elements to jobs that line up with who you are, we should all aim to love what we do. My point is about calling. God defines us, God calls us, God shapes us into the image of Jesus. I think that there is some sort of calling for Kalila to be involved in archaeology and that culture, people, etc. Sometimes she just gets scared she won’t be part of it at all because we will be so engrossed in my “culture”. So I’m trying to put at bay that fear and reassure her that I want her to be herself and hang out with those people and have them over the house, and even to do contract or other work if possible. The whole thing of it is that I have offered to give up Ph.D. work, teaching, and pastoral ministry to go where we think God is calling her and I will support her. She thinks that would be retarded and backwards. She wants to be a pastor’s wife and mother and support me in whatever I’m going to do. And James, I’m trying to be a leader and head of the family that leads radically, humbly, by pleasure not by force. Ya dig.
Cool, thanks for taking some time to clarify your thoughts.
I am glad you and girlie are going through these serious discussions now, before you tie the knot. You are both so young, intelligent, capable, and there is PLENTY of time for degrees, family, and everything you could both ever want out of life. Don’t worry about mapping and planning every little part. Just do what feels natural and comfortable and everything else will fall into place.
Thanks Wendy for the kind words. Did want to correct one thing I said. I meant to type that we should NOT define ourselves by what we do occupationally. But I think you guys understood what I was saying.
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